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Finding Sense within Lost Desire...Mine is an altogether different view
Besides all the anguish and despair associated with sex addiction, there is often a feeling of complete bafflement that our lives have turned out this way; that we cannot put the compulsive behaviours to one side; that we relapse. This can also be very disturbing, because our chief strategy, when not acting out, was to boldly assert that by will-power alone we would put a stop to our destructive behaviour: and that will-power suddenly looks extremely shakey!
This is where a more insightful, psychological understanding becomes important, in helping us map the territory we find ourselves in, and in having a sense of how to grow out of our condition.
The broad psychological consensus around (sex) addiction is that the person's inner self is incomplete or damaged, and that they are using sex in a desperate attempt to mask and make up for that loss. The particular form of incompleteness varies, but can most likely be located in the mother/infant relationship, which has failed to mature properly. (Let's leave aside the blame game here.) Subsequent tensions, inadequacy or alienation within family life also play their part. Damaged individuals grow to adulthood displaying varying degrees of dysfunctional relationship, especially towards those supposedly closest to them: for example, a longing for an idealised other - an impossibly caring parental figure; an incapacity to see the other as a separate figure; an inability to share intimacy; a need to control or be controlled; a resistance to sexual expression which itself becomes eroticised. Associated with these are often intense feelings like anxiety, rage, fragility, guilt and shame - which are terrifying and from which we try to escape or to magically control. We do not have that sense of a 'given' security, drawn from our early life, enabling us to feel OK in ourselves. (For a more indepth look at this, visit On Shame for a discussion on the intensity of primary emotions that are active in the sexually addicted mind)
With sex addiction, destructively immersing ourselves in sex has become the principal means of coping with the pain and anguish associated with that inner lack/damage. The erotic dream bubble provides a temporary place of pleasure, apparent solace, and respite from fears of disintegration, despair or depression: but it cannot really fill the void: its a temporary, and inadequate fix. The psychic structure to soothe or sustain a sense of feeling good inside just isn't there. As a fix, it carries a ruinously expensive cost to our lives, our relationships and our capacity to function. Instead of finding a connection to others through sex, we find only disappointment, frustration and loneliness. And since sex is such a fundamental part of our inner drive and identity, its diversionary use to 'plug a hole' as it were, severely complicates our capacity to simply stop the behaviour. Having carved out that diversionary path through the dense wild wood of our unconscious, we tend to keep going back down it. What is more, new research into the neuro-chemical pathways in the human brain appears to show that we are all predisposed to the same dopamine-based "reward" circuitry, in response to pleasurable stimuli. While this is effective in rewarding our desire for food, for example, this feedback mechanism can turn against us and lead to addiction. (See the Brain Chemistry page for more on this.) We have closed the loop on a rather vicious circle.
The goal of individual therapy is to help the individual heal that original damage by experiencing bonding and intimacy in enduring and trusting relationships with others, using the therapeutic relationship as a sort of primary template. That's a lot easier said than done, and must require the commitment and acceptance of some time (months or even years) but, more importantly, patience. Nevertheless it provides an opportunity for something beautiful to take root and grow. Its not a mechanical process, and will be governed by the unique and subtle (psycho)dynamics between therapist and client. Once that is achieved, the compulsive behaviours will have lost their power, as they are no longer fuelled by raging need.
Finding the therapist for you is not such a straight forward task: you will probably need someone who has a background in compulsive/addictive behaviours, is aware of the particular problems associated with Internet use, and has some specialised understanding about human sexuality. Short term psychodynamic therapies may be an appropriate starting place, but other (especially talking-based) approaches should also be considered. It's important to feel some kind of positive connection with the therapist, as a basis for a good working relationship....A feeling at least, that they are 'on your side'. Local doctors are becoming more and more aware of the problems associated with Internet and sex addiction, and you should be able to talk in confidence with them, should you need a referral of some kind.
Not everyone can undergo, will want or need individual psychotherapy. The capacity to heal may be spontaneous or unmediated by professional help. But it often doesn't happen that way, and in the realm of that most intimate of relationships, turning to another who has experience in these things, may be a truely significant step.
Hopefully this very brief overview provides some reference points of meaning.Once the desire to really change is established, individual therapy and group work can complement each other well.
Acknowledgements:
Jan Parker and Diana Guest: Individualized Sexual Addiction Treatment: a Developmental Perspective from the Journal: Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity (Brunner Routledge, 2003)
John Giugliano: A Psychoanalytic Overview of Excessive Sexual Behavior and Addiction from the Journal: Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity (Brunner Routledge, 2003)
D. W. Winnicot: Playing and Reality (Tavistock Press, 1971)
Oliver James: They Fuck You Up - How to survive family life (Bloomsbury, 2002)
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